How to take a shower (From a Legion Main FOR Legion Mains)

Much like Survivors trying to find the last totem when you’ve got NOED, you may struggle to locate this mystical cleansing chamber. Here’s a hint: it’s not in the basement. It’s usually found in a room called a “bathroom,” often near where your parents yell at you to “go outside.”

Before entering, take a deep breath. It’s okay—your Frenzy meter won’t deplete. Now, remove the sacred garments that have been absorbing your dedication to The Entity. Yes, that means the same hoodie you’ve worn for a week straight. And no, spraying Axe body spray doesn’t count as cleansing.

This part is crucial. Unlike DBD servers, showers have consistent running water. Twist the knob. If it’s too cold, don’t panic like a Survivor spotting a Nurse. Adjust accordingly. If it’s too hot, you are not a Blight main—calm down.

Step under the stream. Yes, all of you. This is not a Legion Frenzy hit—you don’t just brush past the water and move on. Commit. Soak. Let the sins of slugging at five gens be washed away.

You know how you apply Mangle and Deep Wound to Survivors? Do the same to yourself, but with soap. Lather up. You should see bubbles. That’s a good thing. If you haven’t used actual soap in over a week, prepare for it to hiss upon contact like a Vampire touching sunlight. That’s normal. ♡

Pour some in your hand (not half the bottle, you maniac). Work it into your hair. Scrub, much like you scrub your reputation after a particularly scummy match. Rinse out completely, unless you enjoy the crispy texture of forgotten product buildup.

Now that you’re properly soaped and scrubbed, it’s time to rinse everything off. Think of it like resetting your power after a Frenzy run—necessary to start fresh. Stand under the water until all the soap is gone. No half measures.

Grab a towel. (No, your shirt is not a towel, degenerate.) Dry yourself like you just finished a sweaty five-gen chase. DO NOT put on the same clothes you were wearing before the shower—this isn’t a speedrun.

Survivors cleanse totems. You cleanse your pits. Simple as that. Use deodorant. This will ensure that next time you queue up, you’re not hitting people with Feral Funk instead of Feral Frenzy.

Congratulations, you have successfully taken a shower! Much like vaulting a pallet in Frenzy, it wasn’t that hard, was it? Now you can queue up again, knowing that you’re no longer a real-life Hex: Stench of Death. Go forth, my Legion main—clean, refreshed, and slightly less terrifying to those around you. ᯓ★

(…At least until you queue up and tunnel someone off hook again. But hey, one step at a time.)